To blue skies…and far away places.

May 20, 2010

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Written by The Spitfire

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I thought I would follow up, with where things are at, after such a downward spiral last week.

Thank you to all who reached out, private messaged me and so forth. I know it may seem inappropriate to talk about menstrual cycles since there are so many men on here, but I feel that I want to set it free; set it free what it is like not just to have CFS, but what it is like to have CFS and hormonal issues. I want it on record what it is like to have CFS and then go into perimenopause. Or menopause.

3 years ago, I went to Mexico by myself on a 7 day getaway. I sat on the beach and listened to my iPod, snorkeled and spent my nights having dinner with a guy I had met on my excursion. I took loads of pictures, walked everywhere, went to Playa del Carmen for the day and drank. Tequila was one of my favorite drinks once. When I look back, it amazes me that I was able to get up at 3:30 am for the flight; I took showers everyday and took the time to get ready for dinner and I sat in the sun for hours everyday. I was able to mingle and get excited about “stuff,” whether it was my going to dinner, talking to guests from Europe or flirting with a fellow American. I had CFS, I worked and I was still vital. Mind you, I spent a lot of time sleeping or taking a nap, but I “did” stuff and enjoyed it. I had joy and was full of vigor in spite of being tired. I made it work for me.

A year later in 2008, I fell apart. I had messed up menstrual cycles, panic attacks and going away was out of the question. I went to the shore for a vacation, which was an hour’s drive away. I had a nice relaxing time, but nothing, I mean NOTHING like the year before. My memory and cognitive abilities started slipping. I remember being at the shore and I was trying to play a game of cards and I couldn’t figure it out. I finally said, “F” it. I was told by 3 gynecologists that summer, that I was in perimenopause and that I should go on progesterone, which I did. I was also told to take calcium, which I also did. I was extremely depressed, incredibly tired and I couldn’t sleep as well anymore. The light within me started dimming.

Things got a little better and I was able to keep working. I felt lifeless though and tired. I pushed through life. This was in the fall of 2008. I had some ok days, but nothing great. I was still able to feel like I was part of society due to working. Other than that though, I really couldn’t do much. Things became an effort and I became stressed out over nothing. The gynecologist that I was seeing at the time remarked about my liver function test, citing that it was pretty messed up. Yes, I know. She suspected that was part of my problem and surely it is. Part of the problem.

Then I started dating and I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that was too much work. I will not go further into that, as I feel I have already divulged too much. I will say, I hadn’t had a boyfriend since 1994, when I was 24. A boyfriend who was available at least. A little too available. And I became a lot too sick.

Fall of 2009 came and I was sick, but pushing. Winter and then spring of 2010 came and I am far from Mexico. I am in Antarctica. The wind and the whiteout blow around me. I cannot be outside. No lounging in a chair by the beach for me. What beach? Snorkeling? It’s too cold and there is no light to snorkel. All of the fish are dead. I am locked away in something warmer than an igloo; my apartment. I feel so cold. I feel so far from warmth and light. I have moments. Moments of happiness, but as I sit here trying to read about the Rolling Stones re-relased “Exile on Mainstreet,” I think to myself, “How is it I cannot process this article in Rolling Stone about one of my favorite bands?” Plus, I want to be excited about this. I want to be excited about this article, but I really could care less. Huh? I am too ill.

6 days after my period, and the suicidal thoughts have gone. But that blah feeling, that feeling like everything is too much remains. After this period, which still isn’t over; my sight is worse. I can’t stand up without feeling lightheaded and I am nervous about driving. I am wearing reading glasses like some sort of switch has turned off. I don’t wear glasses folks. I have reading glasses, but my sight is screwed right now. Can I now scream the “F” word please?! Plus, I need more light for some reason. Everything feels or seems dark. I am having trouble connecting the dots. Yesterday, I walked outside to find my car in a different place then where I had walked to find it, which left me feeling nuts.

I wonder when I get my period and with different ebbs and flows throughout the month, I wonder…does my hypothalamus shrink? What is up with my brain, the glands and the hormones. Why does my period disable me? When I say disable, I mean “unable to do anything.” Why in the middle of the month, can I think better? Of course estrogen is related, but why to this extent?

So, now I wait. I wait to feel better and hope I do. I take off from work for 3 months or longer. I do not make any plans. I do not make any plans. I do not make any plans. Yes, I am repeating that because every time I do, I get sick and I am sick of it. I rest and do only what needs to be done. I make jewelry only to sell it via web. I try and relax. I try and relax. I try and relax. I repeat that because relaxing for me anymore is so hard and yet that is what my body wants. To relax.

And I sit here and think of Mexico.
“Oh, Mexico
It sounds so simple, I just got to go”

And, I will hope for another time, another day, another hour where I can feel that life. That vigor. That hope that I once had. To blue skies and the smell of the ocean. To cocktails and guacamole on corn chips. To living. May we all live again.

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